decembre
KARTUL GW DITERIMA!!!1111!!!1!1!
yaAllah wakakak rasanya mau nangis banget
jadi judul gue ditolak berkali2, terus gue udah pasrah bgt jadi akhirnya asal ketik judul aja dan ternyata diterima? gue inget bgt gue ngerjain udah sampe jadi patung depan laptop, dan ketika konsul pasti diawali dengan kalimat indira, ibu ngga mau kayak gini.
nyokap pun akhirnya kasihan ama gue, sampe ketika gue minta bolos goethe karena besok maksimal ngumpulin kartul dan gue belom selese dia pun hanya bisa menghela napas dan memberi gue ijin bolos. (ternyata tanggalnya diundur! asu!!)
pernah juga gue udah mau ngumpulin fotokopi 2 rangkap, baru mau minta ttd pembimbing tiba-tiba dia bilang "ibu belom ngoreksi ini. ibu gabisa ttd hari ini." padahal itu h-1. gue mau nangis. print 54 lembar udah termasuk yg berwarna + 2x fotocopy + 2 jepitan karena ga bisa di staples = 60ribu. mana nih katanya pecinta lingkungan?
mana gue dapet penguji serem. untung gue selamat dan revisi gue cuma ada di formatting. ha! take that!
Intinya (Kembali ke EYD untuk melanjutkan euforia karya tulis) penulis telah membuat karya tulis ini dengan tulus ikhlas semata-mata untuk profil kelulusan. Hal-hal seperti berikhtiar mencari sumber dan mengolah data, serta bertawakal ketika mengajukan draft untuk konsultasi pada pembimbing pun penulis jalani demi keselesaian karya tulis ini.
ahem.
anyway.
sooooooooo much happened in 2015. dari euforia kesibukan labsproject sampe menanjaknya tingkat stres karena kartul. i opened my tumblr theme blog, started my own business, got to know so many awesome people from various backgrounds from my german course, fulfilled some of my wishes.
letters to people because i find it easier to write them than to say it in person
mom & dad
happy new year, folks! make and fulfill resolutions, drink water, eat vitamins, and take care of yourself!
--
bonus: writings that didn't make it to the monthly blog posts. i just realized that these perfectly describes the chaos that is my mind, more than any description of myself that i've written.
--
2/12 5:49am
I spent an awful lot of time getting to know myself this year.
I think this is where my fault lies - I've trusted all the wrong people, and by the time I decided to trust only myself, I realized that I haven't understood myself completely. I didn't know where to go, let alone where I'm going.
I have a seventeen year's worth of pent up anger inside me, and honestly I don't even know how will I channel that out. I feel like, even though I'm normally a sensitive person, the small bursts of anger I let out daily isn't even a percent of the grand total I've kept to myself. I get the short end of the stick the moment I breathe into the earth's oxygen. Where, I wonder, in this grand scheme, does my fault lie?
I'm angry at everyone. My mom. My grandparents. My mom's brother that I will never consider my blood relative. My, quote on quote, dad. Myself. All the love I lost in my childhood is not, will not, and cannot be replaced. I grew up alone, and by the looks of it I will continue growing up alone. To be honest, even if they were to try I'd say it's too late.
I feel like my whole life is a great conspiracy against me, you know? I grew up hating on people I don't even know that well, and as time goes by I realize my actual enemies are those who stay close by my side.
I wonder if I'll be getting compensation for all this.
--
2/12 3:08pm
I got into a fight with my mom. She went out, grabbed her purse and car keys and turned on the car engine. I didn't really want to make a scene out of this and honestly I'm so tired of dealing with this when I just got out of school and tomorrow's exam is Biology, so I went back to my room, opened up a pack of chips and began studying.
There's a slight pang of guilt in my heart but somehow I'm reassured? I don't know how twisted that is, oh my. As I write this, I can hear her in the living room, calling my dad, crying.
I was talking about compensation just a few hours ago. Honestly, when I wrote that, I wasn't thinking of compensation as "revenge" - I was thinking of another form of compensation (e.g she lacked in giving attention and love and I was hoping that since we're starting anew she's going to give me more attention).
Here's the thing. I've cried silently in the back of the car and my room for God knows how many times. Sometimes it's caused by petty things, like when my mom or dad have no sense of time and we're ten minutes late (you know Jakarta's traffic), sometimes bigger things like when she starts venting her anger towards me and play the victim card in front of dad.
Does she apologize? Well, she doesn't even notice, so. You get the picture.
To be honest, she's lucky enough that she has someone to lean on, my dad. I, on the other hand, am an only child. You wouldn't trust my other family members if you were me. And I can't just vent to my friends - this isn't something I can just spill out in daily conversations. Sigh, having someone you can count on sounds nice.
What is God trying to say, though?
--
My mom and I talked a lot about things, especially during long car rides.
She once said, "Not everyone can accept your bare self. The more you expose your truest self to them, the more holes they're going to see. I think it's pretty much the philosophy of make-up itself, to cover holes and probably lessen the chances of people being able to poke fun of the real you."
The real me.
The entity inside me.
The entity inside me says that they want to stay there, untouched, undisturbed.
You know what? I'm scared that one day someone's going to turn off all my defense mechanisms. I'm scared that one day someone is going to tear down all the bricks I've cemented through the years. I'm scared that one day they would just leave the same way they entered. I'm scared that one day I won't be able to rebuild the walls.
I'm scared, I don't think I can do this.
--
yaAllah wakakak rasanya mau nangis banget
jadi judul gue ditolak berkali2, terus gue udah pasrah bgt jadi akhirnya asal ketik judul aja dan ternyata diterima? gue inget bgt gue ngerjain udah sampe jadi patung depan laptop, dan ketika konsul pasti diawali dengan kalimat indira, ibu ngga mau kayak gini.
 |
| me during kartul era |
nyokap pun akhirnya kasihan ama gue, sampe ketika gue minta bolos goethe karena besok maksimal ngumpulin kartul dan gue belom selese dia pun hanya bisa menghela napas dan memberi gue ijin bolos. (ternyata tanggalnya diundur! asu!!)
pernah juga gue udah mau ngumpulin fotokopi 2 rangkap, baru mau minta ttd pembimbing tiba-tiba dia bilang "ibu belom ngoreksi ini. ibu gabisa ttd hari ini." padahal itu h-1. gue mau nangis. print 54 lembar udah termasuk yg berwarna + 2x fotocopy + 2 jepitan karena ga bisa di staples = 60ribu. mana nih katanya pecinta lingkungan?
mana gue dapet penguji serem. untung gue selamat dan revisi gue cuma ada di formatting. ha! take that!
Intinya (Kembali ke EYD untuk melanjutkan euforia karya tulis) penulis telah membuat karya tulis ini dengan tulus ikhlas semata-mata untuk profil kelulusan. Hal-hal seperti berikhtiar mencari sumber dan mengolah data, serta bertawakal ketika mengajukan draft untuk konsultasi pada pembimbing pun penulis jalani demi keselesaian karya tulis ini.
ahem.
anyway.
sooooooooo much happened in 2015. dari euforia kesibukan labsproject sampe menanjaknya tingkat stres karena kartul. i opened my tumblr theme blog, started my own business, got to know so many awesome people from various backgrounds from my german course, fulfilled some of my wishes.
letters to people because i find it easier to write them than to say it in person
mom & dad
it's been a year and a half since we lived together, us three. we've had a lot of discord.. right? i'm such a hopeless kid i know but i hope we could be more understanding for each other in the future... i hope.shiro & baron
yes i'm writing a letter for my dogs i prob sound really stupid rn but thanks for all the destruction you've caused, injuries, bite marks, saliva, everything. thank you. please be a more understanding dog in 2016.my other relatives
to my grandparents, please stay healthy and don't get stressed much. to my cousin(s), thank you for always being my fangirling buddy! honestly i've spent a good portion of this year crying over idiots that i know nothing about smh. to the family from my dad's side, thank you for accepting my mom and i into your family circle. also thank you for spoiling me with a lot of food and gifts!saffanah fc
thank you for being there when i needed to vent, for the late night study sessions, late night fangirlings... honestly i'm lost without this group you guys/girls mean so much to me!! we're going to part ways soon tho i hope that once we graduate we won't forget each other haunited ass kingdom
tHANK GoD for you people honestly we've been the longest friends and even though we rarely meet anymore you girls are and will forever be an important part of myself let's meet more in 2016!! xoxo yok maem canci
happy new year, folks! make and fulfill resolutions, drink water, eat vitamins, and take care of yourself!
--
bonus: writings that didn't make it to the monthly blog posts. i just realized that these perfectly describes the chaos that is my mind, more than any description of myself that i've written.
--
2/12 5:49am
I spent an awful lot of time getting to know myself this year.
I think this is where my fault lies - I've trusted all the wrong people, and by the time I decided to trust only myself, I realized that I haven't understood myself completely. I didn't know where to go, let alone where I'm going.
I have a seventeen year's worth of pent up anger inside me, and honestly I don't even know how will I channel that out. I feel like, even though I'm normally a sensitive person, the small bursts of anger I let out daily isn't even a percent of the grand total I've kept to myself. I get the short end of the stick the moment I breathe into the earth's oxygen. Where, I wonder, in this grand scheme, does my fault lie?
I'm angry at everyone. My mom. My grandparents. My mom's brother that I will never consider my blood relative. My, quote on quote, dad. Myself. All the love I lost in my childhood is not, will not, and cannot be replaced. I grew up alone, and by the looks of it I will continue growing up alone. To be honest, even if they were to try I'd say it's too late.
I feel like my whole life is a great conspiracy against me, you know? I grew up hating on people I don't even know that well, and as time goes by I realize my actual enemies are those who stay close by my side.
I wonder if I'll be getting compensation for all this.
--
2/12 3:08pm
I got into a fight with my mom. She went out, grabbed her purse and car keys and turned on the car engine. I didn't really want to make a scene out of this and honestly I'm so tired of dealing with this when I just got out of school and tomorrow's exam is Biology, so I went back to my room, opened up a pack of chips and began studying.
There's a slight pang of guilt in my heart but somehow I'm reassured? I don't know how twisted that is, oh my. As I write this, I can hear her in the living room, calling my dad, crying.
I was talking about compensation just a few hours ago. Honestly, when I wrote that, I wasn't thinking of compensation as "revenge" - I was thinking of another form of compensation (e.g she lacked in giving attention and love and I was hoping that since we're starting anew she's going to give me more attention).
Here's the thing. I've cried silently in the back of the car and my room for God knows how many times. Sometimes it's caused by petty things, like when my mom or dad have no sense of time and we're ten minutes late (you know Jakarta's traffic), sometimes bigger things like when she starts venting her anger towards me and play the victim card in front of dad.
Does she apologize? Well, she doesn't even notice, so. You get the picture.
To be honest, she's lucky enough that she has someone to lean on, my dad. I, on the other hand, am an only child. You wouldn't trust my other family members if you were me. And I can't just vent to my friends - this isn't something I can just spill out in daily conversations. Sigh, having someone you can count on sounds nice.
What is God trying to say, though?
--
My mom and I talked a lot about things, especially during long car rides.
She once said, "Not everyone can accept your bare self. The more you expose your truest self to them, the more holes they're going to see. I think it's pretty much the philosophy of make-up itself, to cover holes and probably lessen the chances of people being able to poke fun of the real you."
The real me.
The entity inside me.
The entity inside me says that they want to stay there, untouched, undisturbed.
You know what? I'm scared that one day someone's going to turn off all my defense mechanisms. I'm scared that one day someone is going to tear down all the bricks I've cemented through the years. I'm scared that one day they would just leave the same way they entered. I'm scared that one day I won't be able to rebuild the walls.
I'm scared, I don't think I can do this.
--
I honestly think that my dad is like one of the nicest person I've ever encountered, ever. Period.
Once when I was bringing over a tray of food, some of the soup spilled because a) it's almost overflowing and b) the door is an ass so knowing that it's, like, his favourite, I apologized. He said that it's alright, but then he asked "did it burn your hand?", I shook my head, and he looked relieved.
Sure, he had a wonderful share of his own asshole moments (I'm not kidding) but as time goes by I realize he's not quite the asshole I imagined him to be. He's not exactly a good dad material but he's doing pretty well as the head of the family?
He taught my mom not to disobey her parents anymore.
But then I remembered, how much she'd disobeyed her parents just by being there.
--
"Extroverts are happier than introverts"
Firstly: why do people become introverts? People are just wired differently. Maybe it's because they find humans less appealing than their creations.
I'm an introvert. I'm afraid of crowds. I don't like it when teachers call me out to read things outloud. I don't like working with other people. I don't like uploading photos of myself in social media. I prefer keeping a lot of things by myself. I can socialize, but I need some time to unwind because it drains my energy. I chose blogging as a way to gargle out what's inside me without having to talk.
Is it wrong? I don't think so. Some people are just content with being alone. Personally, it gives me a space to reorganize my thoughts. And I don't have to deal with even more dumbasses than the ones I've already dealt with.
"You should talk more", "you're always alone", I've heard that a lot. You see, son, happiness doesn't always come from hanging out with your friends, watching concerts, going to theme parks, etc. I found happiness every time I bought a new book or cd, or when I woke up to drizzles. I even envy those who could find happiness in the simplest things like waking up or being able to enjoy every day.
So, instead of being the 'happy extrovert' by constantly trying to push us introverts out of our comfort zone, start making introverts happy. Respect their privacy. Know when they're too tired to talk, give them their needed space. The world isn't always about humans, you know.
He taught my mom not to disobey her parents anymore.
But then I remembered, how much she'd disobeyed her parents just by being there.
--
"Extroverts are happier than introverts"
Firstly: why do people become introverts? People are just wired differently. Maybe it's because they find humans less appealing than their creations.
I'm an introvert. I'm afraid of crowds. I don't like it when teachers call me out to read things outloud. I don't like working with other people. I don't like uploading photos of myself in social media. I prefer keeping a lot of things by myself. I can socialize, but I need some time to unwind because it drains my energy. I chose blogging as a way to gargle out what's inside me without having to talk.
Is it wrong? I don't think so. Some people are just content with being alone. Personally, it gives me a space to reorganize my thoughts. And I don't have to deal with even more dumbasses than the ones I've already dealt with.
"You should talk more", "you're always alone", I've heard that a lot. You see, son, happiness doesn't always come from hanging out with your friends, watching concerts, going to theme parks, etc. I found happiness every time I bought a new book or cd, or when I woke up to drizzles. I even envy those who could find happiness in the simplest things like waking up or being able to enjoy every day.
So, instead of being the 'happy extrovert' by constantly trying to push us introverts out of our comfort zone, start making introverts happy. Respect their privacy. Know when they're too tired to talk, give them their needed space. The world isn't always about humans, you know.
1 Comments:
PREACHHHH *applause*