drift away
miracles in december
yak kenapa judulnya miracles in december (inisial putri wardani dan priscilia diem aja) karena biasanya bulan ini gue tobat dan jadi produktif alias nyelesein semua remed dan tugas bolong (lol) dan libur jadi bisa ngelakuin apapun yang gabisa gue lakuin pas hari sekolah, dan pada sebelas bulan lainnya gue kembali jadi manusia normal.

tapi 2014 udah mau selese aja ya... kayaknya baru kemaren gue hunting kembang api di atap rumah sambil nelpon orang-orang ngucapin selamat tahun baru. kayaknya semalem jerman baru menang piala dunia dan gue nangis bahagia sama kiki disekolah.

it's been a wild ride. gue menemukan perubahan-perubahan yang langsung maupun nggak langsung dalam diri gue yang cukup signifikan; pelan-pelan gue kontrol perasaan gue, dan insyaAllah sampe detik ini satu-satunya hal yang ngga bisa gue kontrol cuma isi dompet, sama (kadang) jam tidur. tapi emang pada dasarnya hati gue lemah (apa sih) dan gue susah nahan air mata, jadi menurut gue ini udah merupakan penghargaan tersendiri.

gue sekarang rajin mem-filter orang-orang yang begini dan begitu. mulai dari siapa-siapa yang gue percaya buat gue titipin rahasia, orang-orang yang bisa jadi temen fangirling, orang-orang yang pemikirannya searah sama gue, dan berbagai macam lainnya.

2015 - tahun penentuan. gue ada feeling selama enam bulan gue bakal mandek depan meja belajar nyicil portofolio. i have a dream, i've made plenty of errors and i've seen many obstacles upfront but let's just do this. i'm not known for making second choices or backups anyway. when i fix my eyes on something, i have to get it. i don't need any more distractions.

tujuh bulan dari sekarang gue bakal dapet ktp (dan semakin gue pikirin prospek punya ktp serem juga). jujur dulu gue bahagia banget soal tumbuh dewasa dan gue mikir dapet ktp itu pertanda gue bakal dianggep dewasa karena gue emang yang termuda di rumah ini dan gue selalu pengen dianggep sesuai umur gue, bukan anak kecil yang kalo ikut nimbrung soal politik malah dianggep sok tau atau dibilang 'pinter banget kamu kok bisa tau kayak gituan??' tapi pas h-365 keatas gue mulai nyadar, fuck, gue bisa ditangkep kalo gue ngatain sembarangan orang.

new year new me my ass, gue lagi enak sama diri gue sendiri yang sekarang, gue cuma butuh sedikit fix disini dan disitu. intinya resolusi 2015:

  • hargain ortu
  • rajin ibadah
  • rajin ngerjain tugas (crowd laughter)
  • PORTOFOLIO
  • nabung (also crowd laughter)
  • kontrol berat badan
  • cari hobi lagi
  • terus ngasah skill
  • third language
  • PRODUKTIVITAS UP UP
  • dosis kafein... tolong... down 
  • dosis cogan berduabelas juga tolong... kurangin...

(count: 12)

yak mari kita lihat dari 12 ini yang gue pertahankan sampe akhir 2015 kira-kira berapa (taruhan gue: 0).

--

untuk 2 orang, first and foremost
the days are nice. although at certain times i feel rather restrained. sometimes i just don't know whether to say what's on my mind because for reasons you are clearly oblivious. 

untuk 3 orang, dengan jarak yang beda-beda
first person: first and foremost i'd like to punch you for dragging me into this hellhole but then again thank you for being a good friend during nights when i'm unable to sleep (i'll treat you to bubble tea later when you're over)
second person: we don't get to see each other often but i hope that you learn how to act mature since your age indicates that you're no longer a child (i'll also treat you to bubble tea)
third person: hi, it's been at least six years. i remember that you still couldn't form coherent words and here i am, being shown videos of you telling how good your day was - i wonder, if they asked about me, would you remember? anyway, i'd love to meet you soon (i bet you love bubble tea)
untuk 5 orang, dengan aura konversasi yang tiap saat berubah mulai dari pelajaran sampe h2h
thank you for lending me your shoulders and being supportive despite my constant whining, it's actually pretty sad how we're all busy doing our own thing compared to last year but i believe that our bonds are still strong and i hope each of us accomplishes our goal and also i hope to not drift away from each other despite our busy schedules.

untuk beberapa orang, yang pernah (dan insyaAllah sampe sekarang) gue titipin kepercayaan gue
i did mention that i've moved on without regrets but do you ever miss whatever we were? (also i'm sorry that i'm a really really bad conversationalist)

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short update
I can't rest until I've inspected every nook and cranny repaired and readjusted the coding due to Chrome's recent and shittiest yet update. So yep, I sped up on coding the new layout before exam week arrives. Yes, I'm /that/ annoyed.

Alrighty going back to studying wish this dweeb luck ;_;

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late night sessions: guilt and remorse
irrelevant but pls listen to this mix its so damn good its almost unreal

numb feelings from numbmelodies on 8tracks Radio.

[ start. ]

I had a serious chat with a dear friend of mine a while ago.

We're quite close, if I may say. We talk about many things--  be it jokes, interests, even a little bit of our personal stories. But we're separated by quite a distance, so it's a blessing I could reach her in weekends nowadays (although it's mostly me who's busy).

So we managed to hold on for a few hours before she went back to sleep.

We started off talking about the usual shit, what's going on this weekend, until she asked me how my academic life is bidding. I told her it's been quite hectic since midterms are near, and I asked her about hers. She said she's not yet busy, but she's been applying for college here and there. I told her she's going to get in the best university there is, because trust me when I say she's smarter than 98% of the humans I've encountered, she has a wide insight on life, she's a scientific genius, and although she claimed that she isn't anything I have ever complimented her on, I still think that I'm not wrong.

And she asked me about my college plans.

I sort of told her about my actual plan-- to go to a certain place far, far away from where I live (for college, of course). I told her that I'm still trying to find a way to persuade my dad because I know even if he said 'yes' he'd complain about me not wanting to stay with him after all these years, so I'm gonna need to find the right moment and words.

Alright, no more dad issue. She told me that I had the brains for it. I countered, saying I only reached the top 1/6 of the batch. She countered back, telling me that rank doesn't define all of your abilities, that I have the ambition and creativity, and that I'm innovative enough.

"It's just that I have really big dreams and ambitions and I want it to be fulfilled so bad I figured I have to get the best education there is."

Unlike bitchy, loud teenagers that only cared about their fashion and makeup and boys, you can say I'm dead serious in terms of future planning. I'm driven by my refusal to be the first failure in the family, to prove a certain someone that I have the freedom to do what I want, something you believed I will never have.

"And it's also a way to escape as far as possible from the shit life I've had."
"I'm sorry that you haven't lived a good life up until now,"

This is where the 'guilt and remorse' part began.

Simply put:
a. I have a big ambition but the fact that I'm using the excuse of escaping from the shitty life makes me feel guilty
b. I feel extreme remorse for wanting to escape from this place but I have big dreams that I want to fulfill

I am a firm karma and equivalent exchange believer. I have incessant dreams about myself failing because I have ulterior motives in going there. I'm still trying to forgive those who had said and/or done mean things to me before but I have an extremely fragile temper so I don't really know whether I'd maintain it for long.

This doesn't end here.

A few weeks ago, after my little cousin's birthday in which I gave her a mini aquarium, I chatted with my grandma (from my dad's side).

She asked me about school, which is pretty much a topic my elders always discuss with me (in a few years I bet they'd pester me about work). I told her I'm fine, except for the fact that I'm still adapting to the ever changing new curriculum. She doesn't waste any time, and told me that I should be a doctor.

"How do I say this..." I remember saying at that time. "I don't think I have the required patience to be a doctor. I prefer creating things rather than breaking it down."

"Then what degree do you want to major in?"

I said it with pride, indicating that my mind is set and that I won't change course, like, ever.

She didn't back out either. "But y'know, being a doctor is a noble job. You get to help a lot of people."

"The job I wanted could help people too. Being a doctor is not the only way to help people. If I could help them with my all, then this is the best way I have thought of."

I didn't knew at that time, but she told me to 'rethink my life decisions'. I was pretty annoyed since I really hate it when people try to control me. I thought, since none of her child was a doctor, she wanted one in the family to be proud or something. Although the real reason turned out to be completely different, I'm still adamant in entering the major I desired, but I can't help but feel a little guilty that I can't fulfill her dream.

I'd say my grandma had guilt-tripped me quite hard to the point that it's not even funny, but I can't help feeling guilty because I had to deny her wish.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a ball of ambiguity. I want to do things, but certain things make me feel guilty about doing it, but I ended up doing it. But I still feel the guilt.

This is why I hate myself.

[ end. ]

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