drift away
late night sessions: guilt and remorse
irrelevant but pls listen to this mix its so damn good its almost unreal

numb feelings from numbmelodies on 8tracks Radio.

[ start. ]

I had a serious chat with a dear friend of mine a while ago.

We're quite close, if I may say. We talk about many things--  be it jokes, interests, even a little bit of our personal stories. But we're separated by quite a distance, so it's a blessing I could reach her in weekends nowadays (although it's mostly me who's busy).

So we managed to hold on for a few hours before she went back to sleep.

We started off talking about the usual shit, what's going on this weekend, until she asked me how my academic life is bidding. I told her it's been quite hectic since midterms are near, and I asked her about hers. She said she's not yet busy, but she's been applying for college here and there. I told her she's going to get in the best university there is, because trust me when I say she's smarter than 98% of the humans I've encountered, she has a wide insight on life, she's a scientific genius, and although she claimed that she isn't anything I have ever complimented her on, I still think that I'm not wrong.

And she asked me about my college plans.

I sort of told her about my actual plan-- to go to a certain place far, far away from where I live (for college, of course). I told her that I'm still trying to find a way to persuade my dad because I know even if he said 'yes' he'd complain about me not wanting to stay with him after all these years, so I'm gonna need to find the right moment and words.

Alright, no more dad issue. She told me that I had the brains for it. I countered, saying I only reached the top 1/6 of the batch. She countered back, telling me that rank doesn't define all of your abilities, that I have the ambition and creativity, and that I'm innovative enough.

"It's just that I have really big dreams and ambitions and I want it to be fulfilled so bad I figured I have to get the best education there is."

Unlike bitchy, loud teenagers that only cared about their fashion and makeup and boys, you can say I'm dead serious in terms of future planning. I'm driven by my refusal to be the first failure in the family, to prove a certain someone that I have the freedom to do what I want, something you believed I will never have.

"And it's also a way to escape as far as possible from the shit life I've had."
"I'm sorry that you haven't lived a good life up until now,"

This is where the 'guilt and remorse' part began.

Simply put:
a. I have a big ambition but the fact that I'm using the excuse of escaping from the shitty life makes me feel guilty
b. I feel extreme remorse for wanting to escape from this place but I have big dreams that I want to fulfill

I am a firm karma and equivalent exchange believer. I have incessant dreams about myself failing because I have ulterior motives in going there. I'm still trying to forgive those who had said and/or done mean things to me before but I have an extremely fragile temper so I don't really know whether I'd maintain it for long.

This doesn't end here.

A few weeks ago, after my little cousin's birthday in which I gave her a mini aquarium, I chatted with my grandma (from my dad's side).

She asked me about school, which is pretty much a topic my elders always discuss with me (in a few years I bet they'd pester me about work). I told her I'm fine, except for the fact that I'm still adapting to the ever changing new curriculum. She doesn't waste any time, and told me that I should be a doctor.

"How do I say this..." I remember saying at that time. "I don't think I have the required patience to be a doctor. I prefer creating things rather than breaking it down."

"Then what degree do you want to major in?"

I said it with pride, indicating that my mind is set and that I won't change course, like, ever.

She didn't back out either. "But y'know, being a doctor is a noble job. You get to help a lot of people."

"The job I wanted could help people too. Being a doctor is not the only way to help people. If I could help them with my all, then this is the best way I have thought of."

I didn't knew at that time, but she told me to 'rethink my life decisions'. I was pretty annoyed since I really hate it when people try to control me. I thought, since none of her child was a doctor, she wanted one in the family to be proud or something. Although the real reason turned out to be completely different, I'm still adamant in entering the major I desired, but I can't help but feel a little guilty that I can't fulfill her dream.

I'd say my grandma had guilt-tripped me quite hard to the point that it's not even funny, but I can't help feeling guilty because I had to deny her wish.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a ball of ambiguity. I want to do things, but certain things make me feel guilty about doing it, but I ended up doing it. But I still feel the guilt.

This is why I hate myself.

[ end. ]

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late night sessions - 15(.7)
1. Pada umur berapa pikiran manusia dianggap paling matang? 
Itu pertanyaan yang gue pikirkan selama berbulan-bulan (sampe sekarang) dan belum bisa gue jawab. Umur gue 15(.7) dan gue langsung tau dengan pasti— bukan sekarang. Berarti 15 > x > ∞. Masalahnya, ruang sampelnya kebanyakan. Umur berapa dong?

Tapi pas gue pikir lagi, ada anak yang lebih muda dari gue dan pikirannya lebih dewasa. Tapi berhubung umurnya masih bawang, orang suka meremehkan dia dan menganggap "Ah, cuma pendapat anak kecil. Ngga penting.". Sedangkan ada orang yang lebih tua dari gue dan pikirannya masih kayak anak TK, dan semua orang berpendapat kalo dia normal. Orang dewasa sering menganggap pendapat rasional seorang anak muda insignifikan, padahal mereka juga dulu pernah muda.

Hah, bingung.

2. Bisakah mimpi terus begini?
 Er, dulu banget waktu TK gue pengen jadi arsitek diantara 95% temen gue yang pengen jadi dokter. 4% sisanya pengen jadi pilot dan 1% sisanya (1) cita-citanya ngga jelas dan (2) gue. Kenapa gue pengen jadi arsitek?

Gue anti mainstream kadang suka dibawa ke ruang kerja Mama jaman kecil. Biasanya gue keliling ruang kerjanya dan nemuin berbagai macam hal aneh kayak draft-draft desain bangunan, dan gue bingung, dan gue minta jelasin. Mama dengan sabar jelasin ke gue kalo dia lagi nggak sibuk. Ya, Mama dulunya arsitek. Terus dia berhenti soalnya menurut dia gue adalah anak yang sangat susah diurus, jadi dia bikin butik dirumah. Gue sering berpikir, jadi arsitek asik kali ya.

Mimpi ini sempet pupus saat gue memasuki bangku SD, gue gatau kenapa tibatiba pengen jadi fashion designer. Mungkin karena overdosis nonton Barbie dan ngilerin gaun-gaunnya yang keren. Sketchbook gue dipenuhi coret-coretan desain. Karena gue keseringan gambar dan udah mulai merambat ke komik buat referensi pose, gue kepikiran. Kenapa ga jadi komikus aja sekalian? Setelah gue beli sebuah komik yang ada curhatan komikusnya dibelakang tentang gimana dia luntang lantung ngejar deadline sampe ngga tidur dan mandi 3 hari, gue bergidik. Ga jadi deh.

Gue stick ke fashion design buat beberapa bulan sampe gue menemukan suatu obsesi baru yaitu graphic design. Berjam-jam gue nangkring depan komputer (belom ada laptop waktu itu), buka photoshop, bikin gambar-gambar ga jelas. Sampe gue ada laptop dan kamera, gue mulai ngedit secara serius dan membulatkan niat gue jadi graphic designer.

Mimpi ini goyah saat gue melihat suatu ilustrasi tentang seberapa diremehkan graphic designer dan animator di Indonesia. Mereka digaji kecil, disuruh kerja rodi, pokoknya kurang dihargai. Padahal kalo dalam pembuatan film, proses yang biasanya paling lama adalah proses editing. Belum lagi kalo bikin film animasi. Dan orang masih punya nyali nanya "kenapa Indonesia ga bisa bikin film animasi yang bagus?". Karena yang bagus udah pada kerja diluar negeri. Di negara sendiri dia dibuang, di negara orang dia dicinta. Ck, sedih. Gue mengurungkan niat buat kuliah graphic design, mungkin karena alesan itu dan sia-sia kuliah graphic design karena di internet tutorial photoshop berkembang biak layaknya spora dan sekalinya lo udah ada pegangan tentang bagaimana suatu tool bekerja, lo bisa bikin apa aja yang lo mau.

Gue akhirnya jatuh ke dunia web design. Mulai dari otak-atik kode orang sampe bikin sendiri dari nol. Prosesnya butuh kurang lebih sebulan sampe gue ngerti dan hafal kode-kode level dasar dan menengah. Cuma gue memutuskan buat menjadikan sesuatu kaya gini sebagai kerja sampingan, karena makin banyak automatic code generator di internet (baca: menyebalkan).

Di SMA, hampir tiap minggu gue dijejelin info-info perguruan tinggi. Gue pun melakukan riset tentang perkuliahan, dan gue kembali disatukan dengan cita-cita masa kecil gue yaitu jadi arsitek.

3. Kok ga nyambung.
Nyambung. *ngeliat dengan sinis*

Gue dipersatukan dengan cita-cita masa kecil gue dan entah kenapa kali ini gue bener-bener ngerasa tertarik ke dunia arsitektur, tapi gue juga takut. Pernah denger kan soal orang yang udah capek-capek kuliah A, terus tiba-tiba mereka ngerasa ga cocok? Ada yang udah lulus, tiba-tiba pas kerja ngerasa kayak dibebanin. Makanya itu, pada umur berapa pikiran manusia dianggap paling matang? Gue pengen milih kuliah yang gue enjoy, yang prospek kerjanya bagus.

Tapi gue mau. Gue bakal perjuangin. Tengah malem begini biasanya otak gue disorientasi dan gue melakukan hal-hal yang berani.

Ya Allah, di umur 15(.7) ini aku berdoa padaMu, semoga semua berjalan lancar sampai kedepannya dan mimpiku terkabul.

Amin.

KENAPA SEMUA POST YANG GUE BIKIN TUJUANNYA GA JELAS




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