I can't rest until I've inspected every nook and cranny repaired and readjusted the coding due to Chrome's recent and shittiest yet update. So yep, I sped up on coding the new layout before exam week arrives. Yes, I'm /that/ annoyed.

Alrighty going back to studying wish this dweeb luck ;_;

Labels: random

irrelevant but pls listen to this mix its so damn good its almost unreal


[ start. ]

I had a serious chat with a dear friend of mine a while ago.

We're quite close, if I may say. We talk about many things--  be it jokes, interests, even a little bit of our personal stories. But we're separated by quite a distance, so it's a blessing I could reach her in weekends nowadays (although it's mostly me who's busy).

So we managed to hold on for a few hours before she went back to sleep.

We started off talking about the usual shit, what's going on this weekend, until she asked me how my academic life is bidding. I told her it's been quite hectic since midterms are near, and I asked her about hers. She said she's not yet busy, but she's been applying for college here and there. I told her she's going to get in the best university there is, because trust me when I say she's smarter than 98% of the humans I've encountered, she has a wide insight on life, she's a scientific genius, and although she claimed that she isn't anything I have ever complimented her on, I still think that I'm not wrong.

And she asked me about my college plans.

I sort of told her about my actual plan-- to go to a certain place far, far away from where I live (for college, of course). I told her that I'm still trying to find a way to persuade my dad because I know even if he said 'yes' he'd complain about me not wanting to stay with him after all these years, so I'm gonna need to find the right moment and words.

Alright, no more dad issue. She told me that I had the brains for it. I countered, saying I only reached the top 1/6 of the batch. She countered back, telling me that rank doesn't define all of your abilities, that I have the ambition and creativity, and that I'm innovative enough.

"It's just that I have really big dreams and ambitions and I want it to be fulfilled so bad I figured I have to get the best education there is."

Unlike bitchy, loud teenagers that only cared about their fashion and makeup and boys, you can say I'm dead serious in terms of future planning. I'm driven by my refusal to be the first failure in the family, to prove a certain someone that I have the freedom to do what I want, something you believed I will never have.

"And it's also a way to escape as far as possible from the shit life I've had."

"I'm sorry that you haven't lived a good life up until now,"

This is where the 'guilt and remorse' part began.

Simply put:
a. I have a big ambition but the fact that I'm using the excuse of escaping from the shitty life makes me feel guilty
b. I feel extreme remorse for wanting to escape from this place but I have big dreams that I want to fulfill

I am a firm karma and equivalent exchange believer. I have incessant dreams about myself failing because I have ulterior motives in going there. I'm still trying to forgive those who had said and/or done mean things to me before but I have an extremely fragile temper so I don't really know whether I'd maintain it for long.

This doesn't end here.

A few weeks ago, after my little cousin's birthday in which I gave her a mini aquarium, I chatted with my grandma (from my dad's side).

She asked me about school, which is pretty much a topic my elders always discuss with me (in a few years I bet they'd pester me about work). I told her I'm fine, except for the fact that I'm still adapting to the ever changing new curriculum. She doesn't waste any time, and told me that I should be a doctor.

"How do I say this..." I remember saying at that time. "I don't think I have the required patience to be a doctor. I prefer creating things rather than breaking it down."

"Then what degree do you want to major in?"

I said it with pride, indicating that my mind is set and that I won't change course, like, ever.

She didn't back out either. "But y'know, being a doctor is a noble job. You get to help a lot of people."

"The job I wanted could help people too. Being a doctor is not the only way to help people. If I could help them with my all, then this is the best way I have thought of."

I didn't knew at that time, but she told me to 'rethink my life decisions'. I was pretty annoyed since I really hate it when people try to control me. I thought, since none of her child was a doctor, she wanted one in the family to be proud or something. Although the real reason turned out to be completely different, I'm still adamant in entering the major I desired, but I can't help but feel a little guilty that I can't fulfill her dream.

I'd say my grandma had guilt-tripped me quite hard to the point that it's not even funny, but I can't help feeling guilty because I had to deny her wish.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a ball of ambiguity. I want to do things, but certain things make me feel guilty about doing it, but I ended up doing it. But I still feel the guilt.

This is why I hate myself.

[ end. ]

Labels: late night sessions, le english

*gatel pengen ganti layout blog tapi ga sempet-sempet ngoding lagi*

Halo.

Sebenernya gue yakin 100000% kalo ini post ga jelas (lagi) cuma terserah lah aku lagi ingin curhat :(

Ceritanya gue lagi asik asiknya riset soal MBTI. Gue ngambil tesnya udah lama banget kayaknya waktu kelas 10 tapi gara-gara manusia satu ini jadi kepikiran lagi. Menyebalkan. (Bisa banget tapi ya kita sama tapi berkebalikan gitu wkwk)


dan hasil tes gue menyatakan bahwa

1.8% WAH GUE LANGKA JUGA

Numpang copas ya. Katanya, ini kelebihan gue:

• Great analysts and abstract thinkers. INTP personalities are great at noticing patterns and seeing the big picture. They also possess an impressive ability to jump from one idea to another, linking them in ways that usually bewilder most other personality types.
• Honest and straightforward. INTPs do not play social games and see no point in sugarcoating their words. They will clearly state their opinion and expect others to return the favor.
• Objective. People with the INTP personality are very logical and rational individuals who see no point in involving emotions in the decision-making process. Consequently, they tend to pride themselves in being fair and impartial.
• Imaginative and original. An INTP’s mind is always working, always producing ideas regardless of whether those ideas are likely to see the light of day. Not surprisingly, INTPs have no difficulties coming up with innovative, original solutions.
• Open-minded. INTPs tend to be open-minded and willing to accept ideas different from their own, provided that they are supported by facts and logic. Furthermore, INTPs are usually fairly liberal when it comes to social norms and traditions, judging people solely on the basis of their ideas.
• Enthusiastic. INTP personalities can spend an enormous amount of time trying to figure out something they are interested in. They will also be very enthusiastic when it comes to discussing that topic with other people.

• Absent-minded. INTPs are able to focus all their efforts on analyzing a specific idea, but this usually comes at a cost of ignoring everything else. They may be forgetful or simply miss things that have nothing to do with the object of their interest. 
• Second-guess themselves. INTP personalities may be excellent analysts, but they often lack the decisiveness of Judging (J) types. An INTP may find it quite difficult to decide which idea is the best one, always looking for more information and doubting their own conclusions. 
• Insensitive. INTPs are likely to find it difficult to include emotions in their decision-making process, focusing all their efforts on getting the rational basis right. Consequently, they may often come across as insensitive or be puzzled when it comes to dealing with an emotionally-charged situation. 
• Very private and withdrawn. INTPs are often reluctant to let anyone inside their minds, let alone their hearts. They may often come across as shy in social settings and even the INTP’s friends are likely to have a difficult time getting to know them well. 
• May be condescending. INTP personalities are usually proud of their extensive knowledge and reasoning abilities, but they may get easily frustrated trying to describe their thoughts to other people. INTPs enjoy presenting their ideas to other people, but explaining how they got from A to Z is another matter. 
• Loathe rules and guidelines. INTPs need a lot of freedom and have little respect for rules and traditions that put artificial limits on their imagination. People with this personality type would rather have less security and more autonomy.

Overthinking kills happiness. Kadang gue benci dikategorikan jadi tipe yang pemikirannya paling dahsyat. Gue mempertanyakan semua perasaan gue. Semua hal disekitar gue. Kenapa orang ini begini. Kenapa barang ini bisa begitu. Kira-kira kalo dia begini, nanti dia begini lagi atau begitu? Bener ga, kalo gue berperasaan kayak gini? Efeknya apa ya? Itu segelintir kecil pertanyaan yang kudu gue tanyain ke diri gue sendiri tiap hari. Kadang sebel juga kalo gue udah mulai berperasaan netral terhadap sesuatu dan otak gue bertanya, "apa ini jalan yang bener?"

indira sudah lelah berpikir mlolo

Akibatnya ya begitu, pasti lo selalu second guess diri sendiri. Dan gue yakin masalah-masalah yang gue punya itu imajiner dan sebetulnya ga relevan karena ujung-ujungnya gue nyadar itu cuma masalah psikologis, tapi tetep aja kepikiran. Pernah ga sih lo berharap tidur panjang bisa nyelesein semua masalah lo... karena akhir2 ini gue selalu kepengen bisa begitu :(

Tuh kan gajelas lagi.

Labels: random

• 17, student
• i have alter egos
• english, indonesian, basic german & japanese
• part time graphic and web designer
• i like pointless lists like this
• lazy af
• i reached nirvana once but 17 gyro dropped me back down to the pits of hell

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