KARTUL GW DITERIMA!!!1111!!!1!1!

yaAllah wakakak rasanya mau nangis banget

jadi judul gue ditolak berkali2, terus gue udah pasrah bgt jadi akhirnya asal ketik judul aja dan ternyata diterima? gue inget bgt gue ngerjain udah sampe jadi patung depan laptop, dan ketika konsul pasti diawali dengan kalimat indira, ibu ngga mau kayak gini.

me during kartul era

nyokap pun akhirnya kasihan ama gue, sampe ketika gue minta bolos goethe karena besok maksimal ngumpulin kartul dan gue belom selese dia pun hanya bisa menghela napas dan memberi gue ijin bolos. (ternyata tanggalnya diundur! asu!!)

pernah juga gue udah mau ngumpulin fotokopi 2 rangkap, baru mau minta ttd pembimbing tiba-tiba dia bilang "ibu belom ngoreksi ini. ibu gabisa ttd hari ini." padahal itu h-1. gue mau nangis. print 54 lembar udah termasuk yg berwarna + 2x fotocopy + 2 jepitan karena ga bisa di staples = 60ribu. mana nih katanya pecinta lingkungan?

mana gue dapet penguji serem. untung gue selamat dan revisi gue cuma ada di formatting. ha! take that!

Intinya (Kembali ke EYD untuk melanjutkan euforia karya tulis) penulis telah membuat karya tulis ini dengan tulus ikhlas semata-mata untuk profil kelulusan. Hal-hal seperti berikhtiar mencari sumber dan mengolah data, serta bertawakal ketika mengajukan draft untuk konsultasi pada pembimbing pun penulis jalani demi keselesaian karya tulis ini.

ahem.

anyway.

sooooooooo much happened in 2015. dari euforia kesibukan labsproject sampe menanjaknya tingkat stres karena kartul. i opened my tumblr theme blog, started my own business, got to know so many awesome people from various backgrounds from my german course, fulfilled some of my wishes.

letters to people because i find it easier to write them than to say it in person

mom & dad

it's been a year and a half since we lived together, us three. we've had a lot of discord.. right? i'm such a hopeless kid i know but i hope we could be more understanding for each other in the future... i hope.

shiro & baron 

yes i'm writing a letter for my dogs i prob sound really stupid rn but thanks for all the destruction you've caused, injuries, bite marks, saliva, everything. thank you. please be a more understanding dog in 2016.

my other relatives

to my grandparents, please stay healthy and don't get stressed much. to my cousin(s), thank you for always being my fangirling buddy! honestly i've spent a good portion of this year crying over idiots that i know nothing about smh. to the family from my dad's side, thank you for accepting my mom and i into your family circle. also thank you for spoiling me with a lot of food and gifts!

saffanah fc

thank you for being there when i needed to vent, for the late night study sessions, late night fangirlings... honestly i'm lost without this group you guys/girls mean so much to me!! we're going to part ways soon tho i hope that once we graduate we won't forget each other ha

united ass kingdom

tHANK GoD for you people honestly we've been the longest friends and even though we rarely meet anymore you girls are and will forever be an important part of myself let's meet more in 2016!! xoxo yok maem canci

happy new year, folks! make and fulfill resolutions, drink water, eat vitamins, and take care of yourself!


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"i chose jisoo, wonwoo chose me. like man i lov e jeon wonwoo he looks so soft and squishy and fluffy but once he gets on stage i want to drop kick him into the nearest hell pit like. Who allowed you."

i'm so sorry everything is just so dark now and i'm stranded somewhere deep inside my mind and i might've lost my way back home

i'm so sorry

--

songs i listen to at night;

empty winner

you still flicker before me when i close my eyes
but i’ll feel less and less as time goes by
i don’t regret it, i’m just a bit sad

hold you shinee

baby, you still don’t know
how i toss and turn in bed, trapping you in my head
feels like you’ll appear in my dreams

blue bigbang

again tonight, underneath that blue moonlight
i will probably fall asleep alone
even in my dreams, i look for you

— july 6th, 2015

now playing: bigbang's sober

my plan for this (half-)month is to write everything i need to write periodically in lieu to to my birthday on the 11th because i think it's gonna take a little while. i kinda planned to have this written by the start of july but... yknow...,,,...  *cold sweat* procrastination.....

yeah. it's a birthday. it's a common annual occurrence. the big deal is that i'm turning 17 this year which means i'm gonna be legal, i'm gonna have my ID and driver's license, i'm gonna graduate, tl;dr i'm gonna make some of the biggest choices in life this year. (speaking of drivers license i think mom's gonna tell my dad to teach me since all he's gonna do is sit back and laugh...)

many of my friends threw big parties to celebrate it. considering that i hate a) being in large crowds b) being the center of attention and c) having to deal with formalities, i think i'm gonna stay in front of my laptop all day watching dramas, feed my pups, and eat ramen for dinner. maybe barbeque if mom and dad's at it... nothing really big, i guess.

list of things to write in the next 5 days:

1. letters to people
2. self evaluation
3. thoughts
4. wishes

damn. i'm not even halfway in this post and i'm already trembling.

— july 7th, 2015

now playing: seungri's gotta talk to u

*is supposed to catch up on my indie playlists but ends up downloading ri's whole discography*

aka a_supposedly_shitty_song_but_surprisingly_not.mp3 lmao it's actually pretty good aside from the hustlin part which takes up like 70% of the song i'd probably drown myself in the whole album for the next month

(also, which God do i sue for this.)

riiiight. after a whole lot of consideration i think i'm gonna let the post stay as it is. usually after writing a long piece i'd cut the unnecessary parts and edit the rest, but now i'm gonna erase typos and minor wording mistakes, not a whole paragraph. idk it's more... real that way, i guess?

okay, moving on.

random thoughts while backtracking my posts... uh. i did say i'm not the type to do revenge. i don't see the joy in seeing people suffer the same fate as i did, or worse. i'd rather deliver a more... tender revenge. i want them to feel what i've felt - e.g if your friend pushed you off a cliff and you get injuries, you'd rather that friend feel your.. mental pain and feelings of betrayal? something like that.

i kinda need to work on my anger management issues sigh talking w/ people who mind a lot about formalities and hierarchy really provokes my anger

— july 8th, 2015

now playing: seungri's gg be

the lyrics are so cute i'm gonna pUKE help

hm, why are you getting off from a black car that gives me a bad feeling?
oh, when i asked you who that was, you said your dad gave you a ride after he ended work
i guess you call your dad 'darling' as well

ok so i went on another adventure w/ kiki!! if i remember correctly this is the 3rd time we're going out by ourselves (yes, by ourselves. i mean public transport and such), this time we went to do a survey for our group project and for this we almost plucked our leg joints off because we've walked a grand total of around... 2km? 3? anyways we ate ramen and bought books so all is well.

but knowing these two you might see them camping on a bookstore, skimming through poetry and novels, while talking about their thoughts. (which did happen)

i realized that i haven't talked about my honest thoughts for a while, and the book titles helped me remember what i needed to vent about. just a good hour of sitting on the floor and talking about books, quotes, thoughts, events, friends.

sigh. night changes in the blink of eye.

— july 9th, 2015

now playing: jonghyun's 2:34am

by some great coincidence when i woke up i found this song. the song's roughly about a group of friends... like really old friends just drinking after such a long time, and reminiscing about the good times they had in the past.

self evaluation? ha. i'd say i'm getting better at controlling my emotions. i'm pretty chill nowadays except if you overstep your boundaries - then i wouldn't hesitate to take proper action. i can now maintain eye contact for like 5 secs... uh i can also order pizza by myself now. srsly though i'm learning to organize things so that i can minimize the clutter that is my mind because i keep remembering useless things.

i don't think i can fix my overperfectionism though... in fact i think it's gradually worsening... i can't even finish something without scrapping it at least a dozen times before i'm close to the feeling of satisfaction............ what do i do

i'm actually this panda. this panda is actually me.

— july 10th, 2015

now playing: gd/top's baby good night

idk i feel exceptionally happy yesterday bcs after a while i met my dogs and one of them brought a ball to me bcs he wanted me to throw it for him (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and my group chat is suddenly active even tho it lasted only like 15mins but i get to hear everyone sighs everything is good thank God (although i missed out last night's skype-meeting bcs i fell asleep while starting my laptop ;___;)

dogs... pandas... bunnies... i even listen to the cheesiest love songs like shinee's romance and taehyun's confession. when have i grown to be such a fluffball lover

it's 5 mins to my birthday but still 12 hours before i turn 17... so.

thank you for staying by my side; my parents, grandparents, cousins, best friends, dogs acquaintances, people who had helped me at some point in the past. i pray that one day i'll be able to repay everyone's kindness equally and minimize the margin of errors i will be making in the future.

tomorrow will be a normal day, for me, you and everyone else in the world. and nothing makes me happier than seeing everyone being able to lead a normal life.

— july 11th, 2015

happy birthday, me. i hope you can find a solution to all your problems and worries.

hello

early post bcs i may want to post another thing in the near future

i forgot to tell y'all but i got a lil husky last march, his name is shiro (roo for short)


and a newer one this month it's a lil rottweiler his name is baron (he always runs around and its so hard to take still pics of him)

they can never be in the same room without breaking a single damn thing, both are condensed balls of energy and i don't really feel the need to work out anymore if i get to take care of them everyday lol

a daily occurrence

+ edit (21/6): mom left me alone for a day and i thought i almost died bc roo pooped in the living room and baron won't eat a damn thing except for cow intestines

moving on

have you ever listened to a voice so beautiful you feel all gooey inside (+bonus)

i'm losing motivation in almost everything and i feel like i'm spiraling further downwards and i need something to kickstart but idk what it is

and these days i just want to rest fully and not think about school because being at school mentally exhausts me, i'm tired of everything and i've already seen things negatively because i feel really uncomfortable being in a very stressful and loud environment

sigh. being an introvert is such a pain sometimes because you need a fixed dosage of retreat every once in a while and when it's not fulfilled you became so dark and depressing to others and drag the mood down and i hate it

i kinda want to travel to a quiet city alone and take photos and sit in a park and sketch something and basically just enjoy the peaceful state of the world for a while

"you should talk more"

i've tried

people tire me

the fun lasted for a while but then i became so drained

so i retreated for a while and resurface again when i'm revitalized

when will ppl understand that some people need their own space

sighs living is hard

—

songs that make me cry at my first time listening because i'm such a masochist

my turn to cry exo

remember, when things were hard
i always turned your tears into smiles
don’t cry in places without me, don’t cry

only tears sunggyu

i know that my heart is wherever you are
close enough our breaths can touch
always in the same place

the name i loved (onew solo) shinee

from that day i only realized
that i will only love you forever
love that can't be together can also be known as love

loser bigbang

i can't listen to hopeful love songs anymore
you and me both
we're just sad clowns, tamed and scripted

Labels: dogs, random

ok maybe this is a pointless rant but i want to type it out just because i need to get this out of my system before i officially start my exam cramming session

and i'm classifying this as a rant because i'm typing this out because this is my blog and my place to vent and i'm not (not-so-)subtly hinting at the people "mentioned" below to read this whole post okay it's my time to vent after so long and i'm not going to apologize for this

idk i'm not usually one to cry over sentimental friendship things because i guess i have grown less empathic from all of my previous weeny fights but sometimes it just hurt you how people are leaving you for others in a fking obvious way especially when you've known them for years sigh

mom told me love shuts everyone out and years of friendship gets forgotten in the face of love and that is a reality you must accept. i was prepared for that actually i wasn't prepared for the fact that this person casually remade her clique list and casually said sorry like nothing is happening

i might've been okay if not from the fact that she's saying it in a very fucking ignorant way as if we were heartless insects and she has the world in her hands

i hate swearing on ppl that they'd be miserable/etc so i just hope God hears my prayers and give her some sort of enlightenment or something because this kind of people needs to understand what they have done to other people

sighs being emotional is tiring how do people cope with feelings

 the only thing that matters

Labels: music, spilled ink

4 eps of game of thrones leaked wow thank you - me, dita, and 999,999,999 others

highlight bulan ini adalah gue nonton ttby

disgusting af pls go away

SUNSHINE BABY

udah selese gaada yang seru ah paling ntar ini post gue edit supaya bisa nambahin screencap lagi bcs lagi proses nonton ulang +

Labels: random

"uts"

expectation:

comeback subunit paling tenar dari sfc beranggotakan indira rizkia dan saffanah

reality:

terus.... gue mau pamer dikit yah

akhirnya

akhirnya!!!!!

I WAITED A F**KING MONTH FOR THIS

AKHIRNYA

SINGIN' HALLELUJAH YOU GOT ME SINGIN HALLELUJAH

alhamdulillah dapet versi yang diinginkan walaupun gue ga pesen secara spesifik ke mas2nya wkwk makasih ya mas you know me so well :D

mix: non title track nicest solos. 'nuff said.

juliette jonghyun (solo ver.)

when you look at me with those eyes
i want to hold you in my arms
but you're playing with my desperation

ace taemin

i’ll show you love, fights, sad goodbyes
will we have this typical cycle?
you don’t need to worry about that 

this ain't it taeyang

if we bump into each other, what would happen?
would i hide from you amongst the crowd
even if it’s only a waste of insignificant feelings.

i'd include something from base but let's save that for another time nah the original juliette sucks and jonghyun (and minho) wrote juliette so that song is technically theirs

gue nangis livestream tokyo dome ok don't judge me

Labels: music, sotm, story

i don't celebrate valentine but it's hard not to get into the mood because it's my cousin's birthday YO HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEST FRIEND SLASH SCREAM SCREAM PARTNER i'm sorry not sorry that i dragged you into krisho and also shinee because you got me into /this/ hell in the first place so it's basically karma but i love you and please keep being my late night screaming partner!! also i hope you will develop a better... sense for korean men since we often cry at your bias choices... and your bias list makes me very sad... LASTLY let's just pretend somewhere only we know never happened ok hugs u a lot. buys u a shitload of tissues. u need it.

/deep sigh/ it's just the second month out of twelve. too early to speculate things but i don't think this month has been good to me enough. i'm slowly losing my creativity and i still haven't worked on my portfolio and stuff and i'm running low on everything like literally everything and i'm slowly losing the will to get up and do things because i know i won't be into it and i'm gonna fail and i'm gonna make myself even more sadder ugh i could really use a break right now ;___;

but enough mellowing since i promised myself i won't be diagnosed with depression, ever. here ya go - this month's pick; songs that get me into the valentine mood!

symptoms shinee

these bad symptoms appeared after i met you,
i’m left alone on this black night
in my room that’s filled with thoughts of you

this is love super junior

the reason i like you?
well, to explain it,
our love is a happiness that is faster than andante

love, love, love exo

i can see the future
it can’t be if it’s not you
to you who made me reborn, incredible

hot times s.m. the ballad

i miss you even when you’re beside me
that my heart burns just at the thought of you
that I shed tears from the words “I love you”

Labels: music, sotm

nothing really interesting just me and my sleeping problems, really... i just installed a yellow lamp above my bed a few weeks ago, and i haven't turned on my room's lamp ever since. it makes me feel a whole lot better for some reason.

(also i lost my music sense i'm so sorry i'm trying so hard to cool down my kpop fever) but here are songs i put on replay most this month:

déjà-boo jonghyun ft. zion.t

i definitely saw you somewhere before
it doesn’t matter when i saw you
i can’t even remember where i saw you

mono-drama jonghyun

daydreaming about this by myself is okay
i know it's funny to compare myself,
even i think i'm pathetic

selene 6.23 shinee

so i called you with a fluttering heart
but there’s no answer –
i guess i can never reach you

let me know bangtan boys

it’s not that i still have feelings for you
i know we can’t work out
but why does it feel like i’m having indigestion?

i would like to thank not only God but also kim jonghyun for going solo and releasing base and consider yourselves lucky i didn't put all of the songs in here (probably next month... lmao) hopefully next month will feature happier/lighter songs since it's valentine month and even though i don't celebrate i like to get into the mood

— fun fact: jonghyun wrote three out of four songs listed above

Labels: music, sotm

yak kenapa judulnya miracles in december (inisial putri wardani dan priscilia diem aja) karena biasanya bulan ini gue tobat dan jadi produktif alias nyelesein semua remed dan tugas bolong (lol) dan libur jadi bisa ngelakuin apapun yang gabisa gue lakuin pas hari sekolah, dan pada sebelas bulan lainnya gue kembali jadi manusia normal.

tapi 2014 udah mau selese aja ya... kayaknya baru kemaren gue hunting kembang api di atap rumah sambil nelpon orang-orang ngucapin selamat tahun baru. kayaknya semalem jerman baru menang piala dunia dan gue nangis bahagia sama kiki disekolah.

it's been a wild ride. gue menemukan perubahan-perubahan yang langsung maupun nggak langsung dalam diri gue yang cukup signifikan; pelan-pelan gue kontrol perasaan gue, dan insyaAllah sampe detik ini satu-satunya hal yang ngga bisa gue kontrol cuma isi dompet, sama (kadang) jam tidur. tapi emang pada dasarnya hati gue lemah (apa sih) dan gue susah nahan air mata, jadi menurut gue ini udah merupakan penghargaan tersendiri.

gue sekarang rajin mem-filter orang-orang yang begini dan begitu. mulai dari siapa-siapa yang gue percaya buat gue titipin rahasia, orang-orang yang bisa jadi temen fangirling, orang-orang yang pemikirannya searah sama gue, dan berbagai macam lainnya.

2015 - tahun penentuan. gue ada feeling selama enam bulan gue bakal mandek depan meja belajar nyicil portofolio. i have a dream, i've made plenty of errors and i've seen many obstacles upfront but let's just do this. i'm not known for making second choices or backups anyway. when i fix my eyes on something, i have to get it. i don't need any more distractions.

tujuh bulan dari sekarang gue bakal dapet ktp (dan semakin gue pikirin prospek punya ktp serem juga). jujur dulu gue bahagia banget soal tumbuh dewasa dan gue mikir dapet ktp itu pertanda gue bakal dianggep dewasa karena gue emang yang termuda di rumah ini dan gue selalu pengen dianggep sesuai umur gue, bukan anak kecil yang kalo ikut nimbrung soal politik malah dianggep sok tau atau dibilang 'pinter banget kamu kok bisa tau kayak gituan??' tapi pas h-365 keatas gue mulai nyadar, fuck, gue bisa ditangkep kalo gue ngatain sembarangan orang.

new year new me my ass, gue lagi enak sama diri gue sendiri yang sekarang, gue cuma butuh sedikit fix disini dan disitu. intinya resolusi 2015:

• hargain ortu
• rajin ibadah
• rajin ngerjain tugas (crowd laughter)
• PORTOFOLIO
• nabung (also crowd laughter)
• kontrol berat badan
• cari hobi lagi
• terus ngasah skill
• third language
• PRODUKTIVITAS UP UP
• dosis kafein... tolong... down 
• dosis cogan berduabelas juga tolong... kurangin...

(count: 12)

yak mari kita lihat dari 12 ini yang gue pertahankan sampe akhir 2015 kira-kira berapa (taruhan gue: 0).

--

untuk 2 orang, first and foremost

the days are nice. although at certain times i feel rather restrained. sometimes i just don't know whether to say what's on my mind because for reasons you are clearly oblivious. 

untuk 3 orang, dengan jarak yang beda-beda

first person: first and foremost i'd like to punch you for dragging me into this hellhole but then again thank you for being a good friend during nights when i'm unable to sleep (i'll treat you to bubble tea later when you're over)

second person: we don't get to see each other often but i hope that you learn how to act mature since your age indicates that you're no longer a child (i'll also treat you to bubble tea)

third person: hi, it's been at least six years. i remember that you still couldn't form coherent words and here i am, being shown videos of you telling how good your day was - i wonder, if they asked about me, would you remember? anyway, i'd love to meet you soon (i bet you love bubble tea)

untuk 5 orang, dengan aura konversasi yang tiap saat berubah mulai dari pelajaran sampe h2h

thank you for lending me your shoulders and being supportive despite my constant whining, it's actually pretty sad how we're all busy doing our own thing compared to last year but i believe that our bonds are still strong and i hope each of us accomplishes our goal and also i hope to not drift away from each other despite our busy schedules.

untuk beberapa orang, yang pernah (dan insyaAllah sampe sekarang) gue titipin kepercayaan gue

i did mention that i've moved on without regrets but do you ever miss whatever we were? (also i'm sorry that i'm a really really bad conversationalist)

Labels: random

I can't rest until I've inspected every nook and cranny repaired and readjusted the coding due to Chrome's recent and shittiest yet update. So yep, I sped up on coding the new layout before exam week arrives. Yes, I'm /that/ annoyed.

Alrighty going back to studying wish this dweeb luck ;_;

Labels: random

irrelevant but pls listen to this mix its so damn good its almost unreal


[ start. ]

I had a serious chat with a dear friend of mine a while ago.

We're quite close, if I may say. We talk about many things--  be it jokes, interests, even a little bit of our personal stories. But we're separated by quite a distance, so it's a blessing I could reach her in weekends nowadays (although it's mostly me who's busy).

So we managed to hold on for a few hours before she went back to sleep.

We started off talking about the usual shit, what's going on this weekend, until she asked me how my academic life is bidding. I told her it's been quite hectic since midterms are near, and I asked her about hers. She said she's not yet busy, but she's been applying for college here and there. I told her she's going to get in the best university there is, because trust me when I say she's smarter than 98% of the humans I've encountered, she has a wide insight on life, she's a scientific genius, and although she claimed that she isn't anything I have ever complimented her on, I still think that I'm not wrong.

And she asked me about my college plans.

I sort of told her about my actual plan-- to go to a certain place far, far away from where I live (for college, of course). I told her that I'm still trying to find a way to persuade my dad because I know even if he said 'yes' he'd complain about me not wanting to stay with him after all these years, so I'm gonna need to find the right moment and words.

Alright, no more dad issue. She told me that I had the brains for it. I countered, saying I only reached the top 1/6 of the batch. She countered back, telling me that rank doesn't define all of your abilities, that I have the ambition and creativity, and that I'm innovative enough.

"It's just that I have really big dreams and ambitions and I want it to be fulfilled so bad I figured I have to get the best education there is."

Unlike bitchy, loud teenagers that only cared about their fashion and makeup and boys, you can say I'm dead serious in terms of future planning. I'm driven by my refusal to be the first failure in the family, to prove a certain someone that I have the freedom to do what I want, something you believed I will never have.

"And it's also a way to escape as far as possible from the shit life I've had."

"I'm sorry that you haven't lived a good life up until now,"

This is where the 'guilt and remorse' part began.

Simply put:
a. I have a big ambition but the fact that I'm using the excuse of escaping from the shitty life makes me feel guilty
b. I feel extreme remorse for wanting to escape from this place but I have big dreams that I want to fulfill

I am a firm karma and equivalent exchange believer. I have incessant dreams about myself failing because I have ulterior motives in going there. I'm still trying to forgive those who had said and/or done mean things to me before but I have an extremely fragile temper so I don't really know whether I'd maintain it for long.

This doesn't end here.

A few weeks ago, after my little cousin's birthday in which I gave her a mini aquarium, I chatted with my grandma (from my dad's side).

She asked me about school, which is pretty much a topic my elders always discuss with me (in a few years I bet they'd pester me about work). I told her I'm fine, except for the fact that I'm still adapting to the ever changing new curriculum. She doesn't waste any time, and told me that I should be a doctor.

"How do I say this..." I remember saying at that time. "I don't think I have the required patience to be a doctor. I prefer creating things rather than breaking it down."

"Then what degree do you want to major in?"

I said it with pride, indicating that my mind is set and that I won't change course, like, ever.

She didn't back out either. "But y'know, being a doctor is a noble job. You get to help a lot of people."

"The job I wanted could help people too. Being a doctor is not the only way to help people. If I could help them with my all, then this is the best way I have thought of."

I didn't knew at that time, but she told me to 'rethink my life decisions'. I was pretty annoyed since I really hate it when people try to control me. I thought, since none of her child was a doctor, she wanted one in the family to be proud or something. Although the real reason turned out to be completely different, I'm still adamant in entering the major I desired, but I can't help but feel a little guilty that I can't fulfill her dream.

I'd say my grandma had guilt-tripped me quite hard to the point that it's not even funny, but I can't help feeling guilty because I had to deny her wish.

In case you haven't noticed, I am a ball of ambiguity. I want to do things, but certain things make me feel guilty about doing it, but I ended up doing it. But I still feel the guilt.

This is why I hate myself.

[ end. ]

Labels: late night sessions, le english

*gatel pengen ganti layout blog tapi ga sempet-sempet ngoding lagi*

Halo.

Sebenernya gue yakin 100000% kalo ini post ga jelas (lagi) cuma terserah lah aku lagi ingin curhat :(

Ceritanya gue lagi asik asiknya riset soal MBTI. Gue ngambil tesnya udah lama banget kayaknya waktu kelas 10 tapi gara-gara manusia satu ini jadi kepikiran lagi. Menyebalkan. (Bisa banget tapi ya kita sama tapi berkebalikan gitu wkwk)


dan hasil tes gue menyatakan bahwa

1.8% WAH GUE LANGKA JUGA

Numpang copas ya. Katanya, ini kelebihan gue:

• Great analysts and abstract thinkers. INTP personalities are great at noticing patterns and seeing the big picture. They also possess an impressive ability to jump from one idea to another, linking them in ways that usually bewilder most other personality types.
• Honest and straightforward. INTPs do not play social games and see no point in sugarcoating their words. They will clearly state their opinion and expect others to return the favor.
• Objective. People with the INTP personality are very logical and rational individuals who see no point in involving emotions in the decision-making process. Consequently, they tend to pride themselves in being fair and impartial.
• Imaginative and original. An INTP’s mind is always working, always producing ideas regardless of whether those ideas are likely to see the light of day. Not surprisingly, INTPs have no difficulties coming up with innovative, original solutions.
• Open-minded. INTPs tend to be open-minded and willing to accept ideas different from their own, provided that they are supported by facts and logic. Furthermore, INTPs are usually fairly liberal when it comes to social norms and traditions, judging people solely on the basis of their ideas.
• Enthusiastic. INTP personalities can spend an enormous amount of time trying to figure out something they are interested in. They will also be very enthusiastic when it comes to discussing that topic with other people.

• Absent-minded. INTPs are able to focus all their efforts on analyzing a specific idea, but this usually comes at a cost of ignoring everything else. They may be forgetful or simply miss things that have nothing to do with the object of their interest. 
• Second-guess themselves. INTP personalities may be excellent analysts, but they often lack the decisiveness of Judging (J) types. An INTP may find it quite difficult to decide which idea is the best one, always looking for more information and doubting their own conclusions. 
• Insensitive. INTPs are likely to find it difficult to include emotions in their decision-making process, focusing all their efforts on getting the rational basis right. Consequently, they may often come across as insensitive or be puzzled when it comes to dealing with an emotionally-charged situation. 
• Very private and withdrawn. INTPs are often reluctant to let anyone inside their minds, let alone their hearts. They may often come across as shy in social settings and even the INTP’s friends are likely to have a difficult time getting to know them well. 
• May be condescending. INTP personalities are usually proud of their extensive knowledge and reasoning abilities, but they may get easily frustrated trying to describe their thoughts to other people. INTPs enjoy presenting their ideas to other people, but explaining how they got from A to Z is another matter. 
• Loathe rules and guidelines. INTPs need a lot of freedom and have little respect for rules and traditions that put artificial limits on their imagination. People with this personality type would rather have less security and more autonomy.

Overthinking kills happiness. Kadang gue benci dikategorikan jadi tipe yang pemikirannya paling dahsyat. Gue mempertanyakan semua perasaan gue. Semua hal disekitar gue. Kenapa orang ini begini. Kenapa barang ini bisa begitu. Kira-kira kalo dia begini, nanti dia begini lagi atau begitu? Bener ga, kalo gue berperasaan kayak gini? Efeknya apa ya? Itu segelintir kecil pertanyaan yang kudu gue tanyain ke diri gue sendiri tiap hari. Kadang sebel juga kalo gue udah mulai berperasaan netral terhadap sesuatu dan otak gue bertanya, "apa ini jalan yang bener?"

indira sudah lelah berpikir mlolo

Akibatnya ya begitu, pasti lo selalu second guess diri sendiri. Dan gue yakin masalah-masalah yang gue punya itu imajiner dan sebetulnya ga relevan karena ujung-ujungnya gue nyadar itu cuma masalah psikologis, tapi tetep aja kepikiran. Pernah ga sih lo berharap tidur panjang bisa nyelesein semua masalah lo... karena akhir2 ini gue selalu kepengen bisa begitu :(

Tuh kan gajelas lagi.

Labels: random

cause i've been trying way too long
to try and be the perfect song
when our hearts are heavy burdens
we shouldn't have to bear alone

so goodnight moon, and goodnight you,
when you're all that i think about.

—goodnight moon: go radio, 2011

Labels: music, random, spilled ink

First of all, hai. Post short movie gue delay dulu yah ternyata harus gue ulang karena ada beberapa bagian yang rancu.

Pertama, sebenernya gue sampe sekarang masih ngga ngerti tujuan post ini apa, jadi maaf aja kalo loncat dari satu topik ke topik lain yang mungkin gaada sangkutannya. Kedua, ini murni 100% hasil pemikiran otak gue dan trust me ini murni 100% ga bermaksud nyindir siapapun dan gue ga akan minta maaf kalo lo ngerasa kesindir karena emang niatnya ga nyindir. (Newly acquired life skill: ga gampang minta maaf)

Er, gini.

Jadi pada suatu hari gue terjebak ga sengaja menemukan diri gue sendiri ngobrol sama temen-temen soal cinta (aduh dir). Problemanya adalah gue tipe orang yang lebih suka dengerin cerita orang lain di field ini karena gue ngerasa ini adalah suatu field yang privat, suatu bagian dalam diri lo yang ga gampang lo ceritain ke orang lain. Gue salut sama orang yang bisa ngomong tentang ini di muka orang banyak. Terus ada temen gue yang bilang,

Gimana ya jelasinnya. Gue bukan orang yang suka sama cewe kayak suka, otomatis gue suka apapun tentang dia gitu. Gue suka karena hal-hal kecil yang dia lakuin. Misalnya gue suka kalo dia lagi baca, atau lagi gambar. Ya gitu deh susah jelasinnya...

Selama ini gue selalu bingung karena banyak orang yang saking gilanya suka sama orang sampe apapun yang dia lakuin itu bener. Misalkan lo suka sama lawan jenis nih. Tapi sebenernya dia bukan orang yang baik banget. Dia tipe berandal yang males belajar lah, terus lo saking sukanya sama dia lo bilang "bodo mau berandal kek mau ustad kek itu ga akan meminimalin perasaan gue buat dia.". No, not for me. Gue suka ya, pertama, suka dari hal-hal kecil yang mereka lakuin. Lama-lama kayak tumbuh gitu. Dan walaupun gue udah menerima imperfection mereka, gue tetep ngasih hint supaya mereka bisa jadi lebih baik. Aneh emang, tapi ya mau gimana lagi.

Terus... hm. Soal ini nih yang udah lama pengen gue bahas.

I wouldn't go as far as to call myself depressed or (disorderly) bipolar, although I think that I'm pretty close. Gue sempet baca tanda-tanda depresi dan bipolar, dan walaupun gue ngerasa gue ngalamin beberapa dari tanda-tanda itu gue mikir kalo seandainya iya bener kalo didiagnosis gue ga akan nyerahin mental gue ke status depresi atau bipolar yang menggantung diatas kepala gue. No way in hell.

Jujur, gue takut. Ortu gue bukanlah tipe ortu yang suka anaknya lebay-lebay ngomong 'ma aku depresi' atau 'ma aku kayaknya ga bener nih' boro-boro ngomong, baru mojok sedih ga mood jawab pertanyaannya aja dia bakal nganggep itu sebagai suatu gestur kekurangajaran. Gue selalu bilang ke diri gue sendiri come on dir, you're better than this. Menurut gue hal-hal kayak gitu dateng bukan dari dorongan luar, cuma kadang mental kita aja yang udah lelah dan akhirnya bobrok. Gue nggak mau sampe kayak gitu.

Gue sebenernya anti negativitas. Terkadang emang gue suka negatif sama hal-hal tertentu, tapi gue udah mencoba sebegimana mungkin buat nyingkirin negativitas itu. Ya maklum namanya manusia, ga ada yang sempurna.

Jadi ada temen gue, dia udah ga enak banget sama sesuatu. Gue (dan beberapa temen gue) udah bilang ke dia buat lepasin aja, tapi buat beberapa alesan dia ga bisa lepasin sesuatu ini, dan akhirnya gue kesel karena dia mungkin ngga punya sifat dasar yang keras, gue berperilaku agak jahat ke dia supaya dia ada gambaran gimana sifat keras itu, dan gue antara ngerasa ga ngerasa salah jahatin dia; dia lagi butuh sebuah rumah buat berlindung dari hujan yang ga kunjung berenti, gue malah ngasih dia gubuk seadanya dengan atap bocor.

Terus pas dia ngelepas sesuatu itu dia bilang ke gue dia ngerasa bersalah, dia terus ngomong ke gue kalo dia ngerasa kalo dia yang bikin ini semua salah, tapi gue bilang ke dia untuk yang kesekian juta kalinya ngga, karena walaupun gue baru kenal dia baru-baru ini gue tau kalo dia bukan tipe orang yang bakal sejahat itu. Dia masih polos soal hal ini, dan gue ga akan nyalahin dia buat itu. Gue cuma nggak mau kalo nanti dia bakal jadi modelan anak yang suka ngunci diri dalem kamar sambil berpikiran macem-macem, walaupun gue yakin sebenernya mental dia lebih dari itu. Gue sayang sama dia, cuma kan gue bilang, sayang gue itu sayang yang menerima kekurangan seseorang dan sebisa mungkin ikut serta membantu dia mencari solusi pembenaran diri.

Gue pengen, buat sekali aja otak gue bisa ga overthink sesuatu, hati gue ga overfeel sesuatu. Karena kadang punya otak yang terlalu berpikir jauh dan/atau punya hati yang sensitif. Kadang gue suka lebay kalo diinput sesuatu yang menurut orang emang berasa, tapi di gue itu kayak berasa banget.

Semoga post selanjutnya lebih lightweight dari ini. Rant over.

Also a little playlist dari hp gue yang isinya lagi lagu yang menghibur gue kalo gue lagi merasa sedih:

little things one direction »
// you'l never treat yourself, darling, but i want you to

king and lionheart of monsters and men »
// and as the world comes to an end, i'll be there to hold your hand

wonderwall oasis »
// because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

on top of the world imagine dragons »
// i coulda gave up then but then again i couldn't have cause i've traveled all this way for something

Labels: random, spilled ink

Adalah sensasi disaat lo harus bikin berpaket-paket soal matematika buat remed dan lo lari ke blog, klik new post dan mulai ngetik. Goodbye paket soal, hello greget nulis di blog. Paling nggak nulis bisa ngilangin sebagian besar kegelisahan gue yang bersumber dari otak overload.

Hai, jadi ceritanya gue baru selesai UTS dan sekarang gue tepar. Selama seminggu gue tidur jam 9 (8 kalo hoki) dan bangun jam 2/3 buat belajar. Toh juga nilai gue tetep segitu-segitu aja. Istilahnya jaman SD&SMP itu kayak main Angry Birds, alias kalo lo ga berusaha aja seenggaknya lo dapet poin. SMA? *ketawa* Flappy Bird kali ya. Mau ngures keringet sebanyak apapun juga ga ada jaminan lo bakal tembus skor 0.

"Wake. Up." Four snaps. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it."

Selesai dengan kekejaman dua belas mata pelajaran. Kedua, gue baru baca Divergent. ANJIR GUE EMANG DARI DULU SUKA SAMA NOVEL YA/ACTION TAPI GA GINI JUGA!!! Gue beli pas hari minggu, gue mulai baca hari senin pagi, dan selesai baca hari senin malam. Maklum, ada sekolah. Sebenernya gue udah beli jauh sebelum gue nulis post ini, jadi gue udah baca novelnya 3x. Dan baca chapter favorit gue 5x. Ceritanya tentang kehidupan Chicago di masa depan yang dibagi jadi 5 faksi. Tris, si tokoh utama, ngedapetin hasil tes faksi yang.. er, ambigu. Jadi kalo orang normal ngambil tes itu, hasil faksi yang cocok buat diaa bisa langsung diumumkan, cuma Tris bisa aja masuk ke 3 faksi. Seseorang kayak dia itu berbahaya, dan dipanggil Divergent. (ya pokoknya begitu deh baca aja sendiri supaya kerasa gregetnya)

• ini tentang bukunya
• ini trailer filmnya

cr: amazon.com

DAN LO SEMUA HARUS TAU FILMNYA RILIS BULAN INI (GATAU DI INDO TANGGAL BERAPA YANG PENTING DIA BAKAL RILIS)

cr: imdb

cr: entertainmentweekly

Theo James bakal meranin karakter favorit gue a.k.a Four (damn he's hot) semoga aja dia bisa memerankan Four dengan baik dan dikhayati benar-benar karena Four yang ada di novel itu bener-bener realistis dan bisa dibilang tipe pacar diatas batas ideal:)) dan bisa dengan sangat kebetulan 3 dari 4 phobia gue sama kayak dia ckck

Terakhir dan paling ga penting sebenernya sekarang gue pilek for the umpteenth time this year huft belom sampe setengah tahun aja gue udah sakit entah berapa kali hu cepet sembuh hatinya dari pilek dan flunya ya dir

Next post bakal bahas tentang... short movie. Sneak peek:

Setelah beberapa menit diajak "diskusi" dia balik dan bilang, "Eh, mereka minta 50 ribu."

Diem.

Labels: random, story

Halo!! Merayakan layout baru nih wakakak akhirnya gue berhasil mengumpulkan semangat yang cukup buat bikin ini dari nol (dan btw ini baru ditest di google chrome belom di mozilla apalagi internet explorer. tapi yang terakhir gausah ya siapa juga yang mau pake itu browser satu):

iya gue tau gue nyontek pake editor tumblr salah sendiri blogger ga bikin live editor

Oke, gue cuma pengen nyampein itu doang karena gue males bikin post lain lagi. Mulai aja ya.

Gue sering kepikiran hal-hal aneh ketika gue nggak bisa tidur. Apa aja? Banyak. Kadang tentang diri gue sendiri, orang lain, sekolah, ide-ide... dan yang paling pengen gue ga inget, masa lalu. Gue suka kepikiran mereka yang udah ga berhubungan lagi sama gue, kira-kira gimana ya mereka. Kadang kangen, biasanya jam segini suka ngobrol gara-gara belom ngantuk. Kadang ujung-ujungnya suka nyesek sendiri. Tapi ya sudah lah, mereka pasti udah bahagia sama kehidupan barunya, jauh lebih bahagia dari sebelumnya. Toh kalo orang minta maaf dan ga dimaafin udah bukan urusan dia lagi kan?

Ada satu quote yang bener-bener nyentuh gue.

“The most beautiful moments always seemed to accelerate and slip beyond one’s grasp just when you want to hold onto them for as long as possible.”

Sedihnya, itu fakta. Temen yang biasa ngobrol sama lo tiap hari dari bangun tidur sampe begadang tentang apapun pergi. Kita naik kelas, padahal kita udah pewe disitu. Kita lulus, dan ngelanjutin pendidikan tingkat selanjutnya, berpisah sama temen. Mimpi itu indah, tapi cuma bertahan satu malam. Gue selalu bertekad gue nggak akan sekalipun bergantung ke orang lain karena gue tau suatu hari mereka bakal pergi. Kayaknya di hidup gue 97% orang yang berharga buat gue menetap cuma sebentar sebelum mereka pergi.

Jadi kalo disuruh milih, mending lama tapi sakit apa sebentar tapi indah? Sampe sekarang gue aja masih gabisa milih:)

Sama sebenernya gue masih pengen curhat tentang satu hal lagi cuma kayaknya terlalu frontal dan riskan buat diumbar jadi bonus playlist curhatan tersurat lol (p.s someday i will finish this playlist i promise ini nyarinya masih agak ogah ogahan)

chasing pavements adele »
// should i give up / or should i just keep chasing pavements / even if it leads nowhere?

white blank page mumford & sons »
// you desired my attention / but you denied my affections, my affections / so tell me now where was my fault / in loving you with my whole heart

oh, calamity! all time low »
// damn, it's such a shame that we play strangers / no act to change what we've become / damn, it's such a shame that / we've built a wreck out of me

if this was a movie taylor swift »
// i was playing back a thousand memories, baby / thinking 'bout everything we've been through / maybe i've been going back too much lately

semoga next post gue bisa bahas buku-buku favorit gue!!
dan uts gue sukses gaada yang dibawah 75!!!!!
amiiin.

Labels: random, spilled ink

1. Pada umur berapa pikiran manusia dianggap paling matang? 

Itu pertanyaan yang gue pikirkan selama berbulan-bulan (sampe sekarang) dan belum bisa gue jawab. Umur gue 15(.7) dan gue langsung tau dengan pasti— bukan sekarang. Berarti 15 > x > ∞. Masalahnya, ruang sampelnya kebanyakan. Umur berapa dong?

Tapi pas gue pikir lagi, ada anak yang lebih muda dari gue dan pikirannya lebih dewasa. Tapi berhubung umurnya masih bawang, orang suka meremehkan dia dan menganggap "Ah, cuma pendapat anak kecil. Ngga penting.". Sedangkan ada orang yang lebih tua dari gue dan pikirannya masih kayak anak TK, dan semua orang berpendapat kalo dia normal. Orang dewasa sering menganggap pendapat rasional seorang anak muda insignifikan, padahal mereka juga dulu pernah muda.

Hah, bingung.

2. Bisakah mimpi terus begini?

 Er, dulu banget waktu TK gue pengen jadi arsitek diantara 95% temen gue yang pengen jadi dokter. 4% sisanya pengen jadi pilot dan 1% sisanya (1) cita-citanya ngga jelas dan (2) gue. Kenapa gue pengen jadi arsitek?

Gue anti mainstream kadang suka dibawa ke ruang kerja Mama jaman kecil. Biasanya gue keliling ruang kerjanya dan nemuin berbagai macam hal aneh kayak draft-draft desain bangunan, dan gue bingung, dan gue minta jelasin. Mama dengan sabar jelasin ke gue kalo dia lagi nggak sibuk. Ya, Mama dulunya arsitek. Terus dia berhenti soalnya menurut dia gue adalah anak yang sangat susah diurus, jadi dia bikin butik dirumah. Gue sering berpikir, jadi arsitek asik kali ya.

Mimpi ini sempet pupus saat gue memasuki bangku SD, gue gatau kenapa tibatiba pengen jadi fashion designer. Mungkin karena overdosis nonton Barbie dan ngilerin gaun-gaunnya yang keren. Sketchbook gue dipenuhi coret-coretan desain. Karena gue keseringan gambar dan udah mulai merambat ke komik buat referensi pose, gue kepikiran. Kenapa ga jadi komikus aja sekalian? Setelah gue beli sebuah komik yang ada curhatan komikusnya dibelakang tentang gimana dia luntang lantung ngejar deadline sampe ngga tidur dan mandi 3 hari, gue bergidik. Ga jadi deh.

Gue stick ke fashion design buat beberapa bulan sampe gue menemukan suatu obsesi baru yaitu graphic design. Berjam-jam gue nangkring depan komputer (belom ada laptop waktu itu), buka photoshop, bikin gambar-gambar ga jelas. Sampe gue ada laptop dan kamera, gue mulai ngedit secara serius dan membulatkan niat gue jadi graphic designer.

Mimpi ini goyah saat gue melihat suatu ilustrasi tentang seberapa diremehkan graphic designer dan animator di Indonesia. Mereka digaji kecil, disuruh kerja rodi, pokoknya kurang dihargai. Padahal kalo dalam pembuatan film, proses yang biasanya paling lama adalah proses editing. Belum lagi kalo bikin film animasi. Dan orang masih punya nyali nanya "kenapa Indonesia ga bisa bikin film animasi yang bagus?". Karena yang bagus udah pada kerja diluar negeri. Di negara sendiri dia dibuang, di negara orang dia dicinta. Ck, sedih. Gue mengurungkan niat buat kuliah graphic design, mungkin karena alesan itu dan sia-sia kuliah graphic design karena di internet tutorial photoshop berkembang biak layaknya spora dan sekalinya lo udah ada pegangan tentang bagaimana suatu tool bekerja, lo bisa bikin apa aja yang lo mau.

Gue akhirnya jatuh ke dunia web design. Mulai dari otak-atik kode orang sampe bikin sendiri dari nol. Prosesnya butuh kurang lebih sebulan sampe gue ngerti dan hafal kode-kode level dasar dan menengah. Cuma gue memutuskan buat menjadikan sesuatu kaya gini sebagai kerja sampingan, karena makin banyak automatic code generator di internet (baca: menyebalkan).

Di SMA, hampir tiap minggu gue dijejelin info-info perguruan tinggi. Gue pun melakukan riset tentang perkuliahan, dan gue kembali disatukan dengan cita-cita masa kecil gue yaitu jadi arsitek.

3. Kok ga nyambung.

Nyambung. *ngeliat dengan sinis*

Gue dipersatukan dengan cita-cita masa kecil gue dan entah kenapa kali ini gue bener-bener ngerasa tertarik ke dunia arsitektur, tapi gue juga takut. Pernah denger kan soal orang yang udah capek-capek kuliah A, terus tiba-tiba mereka ngerasa ga cocok? Ada yang udah lulus, tiba-tiba pas kerja ngerasa kayak dibebanin. Makanya itu, pada umur berapa pikiran manusia dianggap paling matang? Gue pengen milih kuliah yang gue enjoy, yang prospek kerjanya bagus.

Tapi gue mau. Gue bakal perjuangin. Tengah malem begini biasanya otak gue disorientasi dan gue melakukan hal-hal yang berani.

Ya Allah, di umur 15(.7) ini aku berdoa padaMu, semoga semua berjalan lancar sampai kedepannya dan mimpiku terkabul.

Amin.

KENAPA SEMUA POST YANG GUE BIKIN TUJUANNYA GA JELAS

Labels: late night sessions, random, story

probably the first and last post to contain such... er... thoughts.

gatau harus cerita ke siapa,
gatau harus mulai dari mana,
gatau harus gimana,
dan gatau kenapa.

kadang ga salah kan kalo hati udah mulai ga sinkron sama pikiran? kadang ga salah kan kalo pikiran suka menganggap hal sepele jadi besar atau hal besar jadi sepele? kadang ga salah kan kalo hati udah ngerasa cape dan pengen istirahat walopun cuma sebentar aja?

hidup itu lucu ya. orang dibilang kuat tibatiba jatoh, dibilang lemah tibatiba terbang. ketika diharapkan ga dateng, diharapkan malah ditelan bumi. cobaan datengnya emang dari yang di atas, walaupun kita bisa lulus cobaan belum tentu kita sepenuhnya bisa pulih. sama kayak minum obat, kadang enak kadang ngga, dan walaupun bisa nyembuhin ada efek sampingnya.

semuanya jadi satu disaat yang bersamaan, dan ada aja satu kerikil nyasar secara tiba-tiba di neraca yang udah seimbang. either i'm the weak one, or my shoulders are carrying too heavy a burden.


(you can only hold back the river so long.)

Labels: random, spilled ink

• 17, student
• i have alter egos
• english, indonesian, basic german & japanese
• part time graphic and web designer
• i like pointless lists like this
• lazy af
• i reached nirvana once but 17 gyro dropped me back down to the pits of hell

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